Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My new treasure

See that beauty?  My wonderful boyfriend found an add online and we just picked it up this past weekend.  I paid $100 for it and to me it's worth every penny.  I learned to sew on one of these at my Grandma's home when I was 12 years old.  Just touching it has brought back so many memories...her raspy voice (she was a heavy smoker), her workworn hands as she leaned over my shoulder to show me something.

I remember my very first sewing project.  It was for grade eight home ec class.  I had picked out a blue/white gingham cotton fabric and a very cute(at the time) dress with a long mid-calf full skirt, sweetheart neckline, pouf short banded sleeves and 12 (yikes!) buttons down the front.

Grandma was grinning when I showed her the pattern...I wasn't known for patience at the age of 12.  But she worked with me every Saturday afternoon for a month to get that darn dress done.  Ohhh, I loved the feel of it when I put it on for the very first time.  I felt so pretty in it.  And when it came time to turn it in for grading, I was so nervous!

But thanks to my Grandma, I was the only student to receive an A in class that term.  I vividly recall my teacher asking who had shown me how to do hand stitched button holes so well and I remember the smile and pride I felt when I said my Grandma.

I gave her the report card were I had circled the A in red and I can still feel that hug today.  It wrapped all the way around my body and into my heart, so warm and loving.

I miss my Grandma very much, she passed when I was in my late 20s.  But having this machine sitting on my hutch brings back the smell of her, cookies, coffee and oddly enough the faint smell of beer...lol...yep, that was my Grandma!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Dusting of my needles...

Things are slowly down a little, finally.  I recently gave birth to two wonderful babies for my friend...yes, twins!  A little boy and a little girl.  They are only two weeks early but doing well.  I spent one night in hospital...at the insistence of my partner as he knows me very well...knows that once home I cannot sit still and would take longer to heal...so one night being cared for by some of the nicest nurses I have ever met in my life.  And the praise they heaped on me...I am not one for being the center of attention but it was nice at times to hear how they felt about what I have done.

Been almost a week since their birth, and they are home and being spoiled by their mommy.  Oh the look on her face when she saw her angels!!!!  I will never forget it....such love, mixed with awe and just a little fear I think.  You know that feeling....we all get it as new moms.

I am healing well, although today my emotions are taking a hit.  This was my very last pregnancy, I will never feel the kick and nudge of another little foot, nor watch my belly grow as they grow.  But I am okay with it too.  I am complete now...I have done what I feel was my reason for being...not only creating my own family, but helping to complete another one as well.  My soul is peaceful.

And so I have time for myself now....and have dusted off my knitting needles and will make my first project a pair of mittens for my 17 yr old daughter.  I used to make all my children new mitts every year for Christmas...well last year I didn't.  I thought they were getting too old/too label-ly to want homeknitted mitts.  Turns out I was wrong.  A few weeks ago, I visited my local Len's Mill and my daughter picked out a bright pink yarn and asked for mitts.  Blew me away!  Turns out that was the one gift she'd really looked forward to and was disappointed that I hadn't continued the tradtion.

Makes me smile when she keeps asking if they will be done in time...I am a notoriously slow knitter...but they will be done in a week and I will post a pic of my lovely girl modeling them.


Friday, May 18, 2012

Been awhile..again..

My last post was December?  Wow.  Actually that makes sense because even my journal has been gathering dust.  It's not that I didn't have anything to write or even small items that I've worked on.

What it was, was the feeling of being completely, and totally overwhelmed by what life has thrown at me in the last six months.  And did I get slammed.  Exhusband fighting for sole custody, two superior court cases involving the ex to testify at and get through, the start of a surrogacy, job loss, job gain, a troubled 16 yr old daughter that has had the most horrific thing happen to her and support her through it....it just became too much.  I buried my head in the sand.  Felt safer, pushed everyone, and I mean everyone aside and put all my energy into keeping my children as safe as possible. 

But....but...but....such a strong word and yet at the same time, dismissive as well.  IT dismisses everything that came before it.  I just couldn't stay down any longer, it was too draining, too hurtful to give up and not fight back.

My ex is now serving time, not much, but he is still serving time.  It looks like I will win sole custody of my son,  the pregnancy is a twin one and I am due in two months and my friend is over the moon, and my daughter, however slowly, IS healing, taking very small steps...so much courage in that girl!

And me?  I've found more strength than I ever thought I could.  It still hurts, everything we have had to endure but I refuse to bury my head any longer....I count just as much as anyone else...sometime I even think I count more because of what I've gone through and survived.

So the dust is off the blog, the journal was opened last night and I looked around me with a new view on my life....a son who brings laughter to my life, beautiful girls who make my heart proud with their strength and the love of the greatest man I ever let into my life.  Do I still have tough times ahead?  Darn right...but this time, I can see my blessings...and they are many.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Feeling rusty

It's been a long time indeed since I blogged. Let's just say that life up and slapped the stuffing out of me and I am still recovering. A health scare, two trials involving my exhusband, a daughter I had to put to the outside of my life as her mental sickness was/is impacting our lives negatively. She refuses help, enjoys her sickness and wallows in it and unfortuantely I've had to do the "tough love" bit. It saddens my heart to no end but I still have hope we can build a relationship sometime in the future.

But I have been reading my favourite blogs quite a bit and bookmarking projects/inspirations for when this all settles down and I feel the urge to create again. My poor sewing machine is dusty! My crochet needles sit in their roll next to yarn just begging to be used again. And I have several cross stitch projects to finish.

But now is not the time. Soon, maybe.....but right now my heart is sore and I just don't have the passion for my hooks and needles I had....

Friday, August 26, 2011

old dog and new tricks

So I've had my driver's permit just about a month now....and I've driven a total of 5 times. And I am still very nervous! I've had one panic attack....happened when some woman and her off-leash dog decided to cross the gravel road in front of me and I had to stop and let my partner take over cause I was shaking so much. The blasted dog jumped out and I hit the brakes....rather hard....jolting everyone in the truck.

The meltdown happened just this week...driving through a small town. I was doing fine so I was told, my partner asked me to switch lanes so that I could go around the curve and I did change lanes safely. But the bonehead behind me didn't....came roaring up on my bumper in the middle of my changing lanes. I held the steering wheel and made it around the curve but ended up on the side of the road in tears while bonehead roared by me. Even my partner was upset...seems to be quite a few bully drivers out there.

But I will try and try and try and hopefully this, whatever it is, will die down and I will get more comfortable with driving. It's just that there is so much to watch out for, so much to remember....sigh....maybe you can't teach old dogs new tricks...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Not easy...

Even though i am not working yet, I still find it hard to sit down and actually do anything craft related. I can sit on the couch and nod off in front of the television, I can go to bed disgustingly early and sleep close to ten hours a night, I can re-align the cans and boxes in my cupboards (mild ocd) but to actually sit in front of my sewing machine and get anything started let alone finished seems to be a major undertaking for me.

Not for lack of inspiration as there are sooo many blogs out there that are creative. I follow many and keep finding more and more to add to my list. I am awestruck at the talent of you ladies out there....and the fact that you are creating something truly beautiful each day. Makes me a tiny bit ashamed of myself....

It's a funk, and I know it's a funk. Can I get out of it? Part of it is what has been going on in my life....an ex who suddenly popped up after almost three years and is demanding to see the children he has neglected all along, part is not being able to find a new job and the savings running out, part is the weather...hot, muggy, than rainy and chilly....sigh....once I write it down, it doesn't seem all that bad but in my head it's a mess.

Getting out of the funk is going to take some major work on my part...I mean even the fact that I want to learn to drive now that I can do so legally just leaves me feeling blah...I've only been out three times in two weeks, one time ending in a nasty panic attack....

Not sure what it's going to take, just know I don't like this spot where I am....

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I finally did it!!

Yep...I now have my beginner's driver liscence....and am very pleased with myself. Only cause I beat my daughter. She turns 16 in Septmenber and was so sure she'd get hers first. Why? I am a big chicken and have been saying for years now that I wanted to get mine, than I didn't want it, didn't need it as we lived in the city and there were buses everywhere I needed to go.

Moved to a small town a little over a year ago and suddenly it hits me...no buses! Very few cabs! What was I thinking??? Oh yea, new life, new startover...blah blah blah. I do have a very handsome boyfriend...hi hun....who really doesn't mind toting me and my kids all over town and back when the weather is yucky. But....and this is were the guilt has come in quite heavy....we go to friends places for bonfires and bbqs, and hun can't have a drink or two cause he is the only driver....bad bad girlfriend aren't I?

Soooo....if he will let me near his gorgeous durango, I may be on the roads very shortly....beep beep!